Hi Friends! A little nosh for your from the archives circa 2007. It was a fun year full of 2 year old boys and a renaissance- so to speak- of this horrible coming into her own. Pay attention to the foot notes friends and enjoy!
The subject of Play Dates has come up numerous times in my conversations with friends and acquaintances. I have never been a big Play Dater. I don’t see the necessity in it. Porter has friends at Day Care. He has friends through his parent’s friends who have kids. Why do I need to complicate my life and his by adding something more to consume my time that will just annoy me?[1]
GOOD MOTHER: “We had a play date with Kathy and her son Carson from Bobby’s school, it went so well. I think we’ll do it again soon.”
HORRIBLE MOTHER: “Really? Did you call Bobby’s mother yet to arrange it?”
GOOD MOTHER: “No, it’s too soon, you have to wait at least two days before you can call for another date.”
HORRIBLE MOTHER: “Oh, I think it will be okay.”
GOOD MOTHER: “No way, it’s just not done. I don’t want her to think I’m desperate.”
Since when did the rules of dating apply to children? Good mothers are strange and confusing to me this way. Do they not remember how much they hated the games that their potential suitors played with them pre-children? How they said, in particular to me….”Forget the two day rule, I’m just going to call him!” What happened to that ballsy broad? You can’t tell me that having a kid makes you lose all that much sense of self. My particular favorite is the good mother, whom you are friends with OR might not even know. She is bound and determined to make you her friend. She is an Influential Mother[2]
“Oh, we should get together and have the boys play together. A play date!”
We should? Wow. We never get together and do anything because we are always so busy and I hate your husband, but yes, let’s do get together because our sons who are similar in age will obviously get along, because they are similar in age.
OR
We should? I am actually a serial killer who happens to have children. I swear my son is not the notorious mob boss of the West side under 2 crime family syndicate, despite what you might have heard, but what the hell, our sons who are similar in age will obviously get along because they are similar in age.
Where did this concept come from? If they were three months old and could just sit and roll around on the floor, while we got hammered on margaritas, then they would get along due to the similarity in age. But just because they are physically the same age, it does not mean my son will like your son. In fact, if he is anything like his mother, he will most likely not like your kid, just as his mother will not like you. And my child is not discriminatory in his dislike. He is an equal opportunity hater. Just LIKE his mother. But again, the requests for play dates come despite my slanderous comments and icy stares. They come not only from people but from bulletin boards. I see the flyers in Starbucks. Any Starbucks, particularly the suburban ones:
“Parents groups! Play Circles. Play Dates![3]” On the flyer there is a picture of a mother and her daughter smiling for the camera trying to look inviting. I can’t help but feel dirty by this concept. It seems awfully similar to the ads in the back of local newspaper-zines that advertise city life, local dining, and upcoming concert events.[4] These ads are usually placed within the personals and have a lot of exclamation points and red ink!!!!!
“Massages!!!! Discreet! Dates!!!!” Embodied in the ad there is a picture of a woman trying to look inviting. She also looks suspiciously like the mother on the Starbucks flyer.
Is this what it has come to? Perhaps it has always been this way. But I never heard my mother refer, in all her ramblings about my youth, to a HOT play date I went on. In the seventies, there were Co-Op Babysitting Clubs, parent run nursery schools, dropping your kids off with someone to babysit you, but never a Play Date? In an internet fueled world I wonder how long it will take before some Good Mother[5] will develop a website. Their website will be very similar to e-Harmony or Match.com, where they will take the personality traits of not only you, but your child and by the power of clinically proven, science-- you will be matched to the PERFECT PLAY DATE pair! They will guarantee you a perfect match or your money back.
Tired of the same old Playground Scene? Still ‘cruising’ those tired local Parks? Have you been burned by Play Circle personals? We’ll find you that special someone. With our comprehensive 2,000 question and 1,067 personality traits to match you and your child with, we guarantee you will find that perfect Play Date Match, and who knows? They might just be the ones you’ve been waiting for…..
PlayDate.Com
The right Play Date is waiting for you![6]
It truly will be only a matter of time. But for now, until our fancy-schmancy mothers create that Play Date website, I decided that maybe a good old fashion personal ran in our local Parent-zine might be the best way to find ourselves some quality time with another ‘couple’.
Hate the Gymboree Set? Play Date’s and Play Circle’s not your thing? MWF, 33 and SWM, 21mths, seeks another MWF, 29-35 and SWM or SWF 20-26 mths to spend some quality time. Turn On’s: Fingerpaint, Bubbles, Being Right, Sandboxes, Spinning in circles until sick, Cosmo’s, Smoking, Swearing, Being Horrible, Complaining, Tylenol, any other drugs and Day Care. Turn Off’s: Vegetables, Wet Diapers, Going inside when not ready, Old Milk, Temper Tantrums, Good Mothers, play dates, pictures of mothers trying to look inviting. We are combination of lazy, bossy, silly and horrible. Looking for same. Please no single parents, your life is hard enough without us in it.[7] Smokers okay, but only if it is child who smokes. No weirdo’s please and No Fat Chicks.[8].
It’s only a matter of time before our “perfect date” comes a callin’.
[1] People, in general, annoy the author.
[2] An Influential Mother is not what you think. She is not powerful and all knowing. She asserts her OWN influence onto her children and tries to do it on other mothers. A know-it-all mother, she is simply a half- breed of Good Mother. She is clueless and usually sneaks in ‘my kid(s)’ every other word she can. She has an all too unhealthy relationship with her daughter and calls her daughter her ‘best friend’. Mothers are not best friends. If you like them and feel comfortable going into graphic detail with the woman who gave birth to you, the last time you got laid, that’s one thing, but best friend?
[3] I have actually seen this exact flyer at two separate Starbucks. There are meeting times of ‘circle dates’ and addresses. I am really unsure if they are using these to find playmates for their children, or by the looks of the mother and child in the ad, to find potential suitors for themselves. Go to your local Starbucks and take a look at the community bulletin board. I bet you’ll find a similar ad. Good mothers always have the best intentions.
[4] Where I live it is called the Metro. It is juicy with these ads. Especially entertaining are the Personals.
[5] Please make mental note, it will be an Intentional Mother and a Crap Mother who will come up with this crazy scheme and make MILLIONS. Please readers, get in on the ground floor….this is the next step and you heard it here first. Patent pending.
[6] If Match.com or e-Harmony has this phrase trademarked, I apologize. You can’t really sue me…I mean, I am sure you have made many successful “dates” but Play Dates? We got that market cornered.
[7] The author ranks being a single parent up there with skydiving and brain surgeon. You have to have balls of STEEL to attempt all three.
[8] The author actually does not care about weight, it’s my son who asked that I put that in.
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