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What doesn’t kill me…..

“Have you been writing?”  She asked.

“And what do I write about Mom?  My problems are no more than anyone else’s. “  I knew she heard the sarcasm in my voice.  “Oh this horrible year. “ I continued  “Oh I lost my job, oh I have no money to pay my mortgage?  I can maybe last another month tops? I have no insurance so if I get sick with this I’m screwed?”  I think she could hear my eyes rolling. 

“Well, you shouldn’t give it up.  It’s something you are good at.  You love it.”  Her tone was motherly.  Encouraging.  Hopeful.  Soothing.

“No mom, I’m not giving up.  But there is really nothing I can say right now that hasn’t been said.  And what has been said, has been said at a level far beyond my novice skills and abilities.” I lamented.  

“Well you always have something to say.”  I heard her smile through the phone.

I wasn’t irritated.  There is nothing like the encouragement of a parent and I loved her for it. No,  it was more an irritated revelation of my sheer disappointment and sadness.  I should have never stopped.  My 2020 resolution of writing, every day. Maintain this blog. Maintain my life.  My sanity.  My…self. I let some strain of strange viral cells take it away from me.  Why? 

Tragedy befalls many.  I’m not alone.  2020 was not just horrible for me - although it sometimes feels that way.  I think it feels that way for most.  There are those that lost far more than I have.  More hurt, more pain more loss. The loss of people who depended on others.  Mothers, fathers, children.  Who am I to cry woe as me?  I am here.  I have my health.  So what if I am forced to start over, again, jobless due to virus which I can’t control? A virus that no one can seem to control?   I am small viewed through the microscope of the viral petrie dish. 

It is not for lack of trying.  My letter to Santa this year seemed to fall on deaf ears.  

“Dear Santa,  Please, just help me find a job. My standards are incredibly low.  I will pretty much do anything as long as it is legal.  I simply need to pay my bills, feed my children and not end up homeless in 2 months.  I have been a very good girl.  I don’t lie, steal or shove stuff under my bed.  I clean up after myself and do the dishes even when I don’t feel like it. I am kind to others and am relatively smart.  I don’t start fires or cheat on my boyfriend.  I pay my taxes and I always tip more than I should.  Can you please just throw me some sort of bone?

Your dutiful servant, Horriblemother74”

Radio silence and probably utter disgust. Coal in stocking. Was it my tone?  Something I said? Perhaps  I was barking up the wrong tree?  Did I ask  the wrong superhuman magician?

New Year’s comes  quickly and with it, hope.  Hope for a better tomorrow.  Hope for something new.  Hope that I don’t have to start over…. again. Really a 4th act? Another re-invention of myself. Mid-life reboot that seems to be on an infinite loop of similar situations.  Similar grooves.  The end of the record that was never flipped over. Hope for a cure, a fix, a pause button, a reset button. Hope. Still I hope….

I am no quitter or “giver-upper”.  It is my nature to fight. My nature to be strong.  I am a scrappy gal who takes as good as she doles.  Just as I fought through 2017/2018: a divorce, a job change, a move, a broken heart.  I’m still here. I will fight through this and come out the better for it.  I am not alone in this fight.  There are many others fighting this fight and to you my friends I say…Bring It On.  Let’s embrace our circumstance, our fight, our pluck, our tenacity, and move forward. I’m still here. I can only be getting stronger.  

I’m back friends.  Enjoy.  2020 resolution becomes 2021 and we get a do over. 

I will post more. Write more. Share more and give more. My “give up” is now get up and guess what?  I do always have something to say. Damn you mom…I secretly hate it when you are right.

Thanks for listening friends. 

Much Love, Strength and Hope, 

A Horrible Mother

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